One thing I love about changing my life for the better is that it’s given me a new perspective on things that I didn’t know I could do. I was trapped in a job that I hated, I wasn’t focused on the needs of my family, and I knew I was at a breaking point when I was coming home with files that needed review well after the time I wanted to be working.
I have two kids. Two beautiful, strong, wonderful kids who are awesome in so many ways. Being an attorney wasn’t giving me the freedom to have that. Freedom is a big value in my eyes, which is why with this life change I am unapologetically working to be filthy stinking rich.
Freedom is a big aspect for me, as is family. One aspect of why I want to be filthy stinking rich is so that I can spend more time with my kids. There’s not a damn good reason in the world that I should be focusing on working some client’s case more than spending time with two amazing little human beings that are developing at a heavy rate.
So I’m phasing out the practice of law to do what I want to do, get paid incredible amounts of money doing it, and do so in a manner that if I want to spend time with the kids, I get to do it. Unapologetically. If I want to hire a sitter long term for a weekend and have a getaway with my wife, then I can do it.
In that same respect, I’ve got some awesome projects in the works. I set a goal, I am working toward that goal, and I am applying the law of attraction to meet that goal. It also means that while most ordinary schlubs would work a 9-5 gig and then have a weekend, I will be working on maintaining a website, talking with people about projects, engaging and figuring out how to make those projects work well, and then do what needs to be done to make that money.
Tonight, I realized that my work hadn’t reached my wife. Major fuckup.
She had a conversation with me after a couple of drinks. I’m trying to stave off caffeine for a solid week to see how a return affects my body. I told her “I’m using the restroom and will take our son so you can sleep.” Because I needed to stay off coffee to reach my goal, I went in and took a cold shower so I would be alert and awake to engage my kids.
By the time I was out of the shower both kids were up and she was feeding them breakfast.
During the day, she was gracious and kind enough to manage the kidlets while I networked, made contacts, and took phone calls. Because I was focused and engaged due to her support, I didn’t realize that she was overwhelmed.
She told me tonight. Hard. She felt “unloved,” and “disrespected” because of my actions.
When I didn’t respond with the usual bowing, curtseying, and courting mechanisms she got upset and said I was “indifferent.” I wasn’t. I wasn’t placing a single value judgment on how she felt. It was how she felt, and there was nothing I could do to change that.
“So I’m going to wake you up every hour and make you give him a bottle,” she said, “because I need sleep.”
“Yes you do,” I replied. “What about if we start engaging in shift sleeping?”
“I don’t want to hear anything about your shift sleeping shit.”
My wife hasn’t realistically gotten sleep in the past year due to our two children needing to be born close together to achieve a goal we wanted. This was an imposition she realized she took on herself, but she wanted me to feel the blame for her mental state. When I acknowledged and apologized, that wasn’t enough. She wanted more. She wanted sadness.
I wasn’t coming to her level, and that upset her.
On some days she’s happy I’m feeling better and supportive. On others she’s not really happy that she’s got to do what people do to support their spouses.
I’m not sure how to manage her expectations as I launch on a path of radical, drastic self improvement, and I understand that.
All I can do is the following: understand that people are never going to change, people are always going to do what they do, and do it for the rest of their lives, as Cernovich says. So I’ve gotta do me, and be healthy and happy for me, and achieve my goals, so my family can benefit.
I won’t get sucked down the black hole of despair.